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Fatherly (or Motherly) Advice
by Dave
Monday, July 17, 2006
You can only serve one master. That's not just true for you, it's also true for your kid and her softball team. Softball is a team sport which has a single captain at the helm. It is not a sport consisting of a dozen or so individuals each doing their own thing as well as they possibly can. It is as complicated a sport from the team perspective as football, soccer or racing big sailboats.
The captain aboard this ship is called "manager." If you want to be manager or one of his or her trusted advisers, volunteer for the position. But, if you cannot volunteer, for whatever the reason, do not attempt to "supplement" the manager's advice during games. All you are doing is creating noise, causing confusion. And if you are able to get your kid to hear you and do what you say, just this one time, you may cost your team a game! More importantly, you are teaching your kid exactly the wrong thing.
Be Aggressive At The Plate!Here's one of my favorite situations for purposes of this discussion: It is late in the game. The pitcher has walked the bases loaded with no outs. Your kid is coming to the plate. You have a vision similar to the one Steve Martin had in the movie "Parenthood" where he sees his kid making the great play or getting the big hit. You know your kid can hit this pitcher. You visualize her smacking a single to right-center, driving in two runs, maybe three. She steps to the plate, settles in and here is the pitch. She takes one right down the middle for a strike. That was probably the best pitch she was going to see this at-bat. But she took it. You're nervous and a little mad at her. Now she steps out with one foot, looks to the coach for the sign, and steps back in. Here's the pitch, strike two, right down the middle, again! Now you know she's going to go down. She's not going to get the big hit. She's a terrible two-strike hitter. You reach for your heart medication. You may not be able to take this stress. Here's the pitch, strike three flailing at an outside changeup. Man, was that a bad at-bat! You're really mad at your kid. You want to go have a little discussion with her.
I've seen that situation quite a bit. Sometimes that's the end of it. But all too often I see a father or mother approach their kid and say something. The kid makes a face, turns her back on her parent, and walks away mad, maybe even crying. Problem is, that parent has no idea what this girl's coach has told her. Most likely in that situation, he or she told the girl, "I want you to take two strikes. This girl is wild and she may very well walk you, putting us into a great situation. Do not swing until she throws two strikes." The kid put herself into a hole because she listened to the coach. She took one for the team.
The parents weren't privy to the conversation between the kid and coach, nor the sign from the third base coach. They didn't seem to grasp the situation. They wanted to see their kid be the hero. They wanted to see their kid swing. But that would have been bad softball.
The amount of money you spent for hitting lessons or sending your kid to that all-star camp just doesn't matter in that situation. Your kid should have taken two strikes. If that left her in a bad count with no other option but to flail at a bad pitch, so be it. It wasn't your call. And if it had been, you probably would have made the wrong choice.
When parents get enraged because their kid did something they didn't like in a key situation, the best thing they can possibly do is keep their mouths shut, walk away, and ask some questions later on, long after the game is over. Game management is the coach's job. Trust me, no matter how good you think your kid is, or could be, you want her to learn to be a good team player. You want her to learn to do the right thing for the team in game situations. If her coach tells her to do something and you get mad at her because she did it, what exactly are you teaching her? She should listen to you and not her coaches?
My Kid Is Awful!Here's another situation I like. Mom and dad are sitting under the shade of some trees along the rightfield foul line late in the game. Darling daughter is playing rightfield. Mom and dad don't like where she has positioned herself. They wonder if maybe the manager didn't notice their kid was way out of position. Why is she playing so shallow? Why is she hugging the line? They yell, "hey Sally move over and back." Sally ignores them. The batter smashes the ball into right center for a triple, driving in the runner from first. Ball game over. We lose. If only she had been "in the right position," she might have caught that ball. The parents are livid, cursing under their breath, "what's wrong with her?" They wonder what got into her head to play so far out of position. They're going to have to talk to her.
The only thing missing from the equation is the parents were not at that game where this batter drilled the solo homerun to left. They weren't there when, late in the same game, the opposition threw her change-ups or drop curves on the outside corner and she weakly popped up to right with the bases loaded. The team manager was there scouting that game and decided how he would approach this slugger. He wanted to pitch her outside and low because she loves that pitch and can only pop it up to right.
Right before the play, the manager got the attention of his rightfielder and then subtly signaled her to play in and over just like they discussed before the game. Then he gave the sign to the catcher to call for one low and outside just like they discussed before the game. The parents of the rightfielder didn't see the sign to their daughter. They didn't see the sign to the catcher. They are, for some reason, embarrassed that their daughter was so far out of position. They know in their hearts that this game was lost because their daughter was out of position. They walk up to the dugout to collect their kid. The father says something to the manager like "sorry she was so far out of position. I tried to get her to move over but she wouldn't. We'll make sure that doesn't happen again." The manager looks at the father quizzically but can't seem to find the words. He pats the kid on the back and says, "good game, Sally. You can't win them all. Next time we'll beat this team." The mother stands there biting her tongue while thinking "don't pat her on the back. She was out of position. It's her fault we lost this game. Don't tell her good game, tell her she needs to get better quickly or she's gonna sit!"
Coach!OK, so now you've decided, you're not going to sit comfortably in the shade and merely watch the games. You're going to coach. There are a couple kinds of coaches. Which one are you going to be?
My personal favorite is the father who had a "surprise" child born the day his all-star baseball-playing son entered high school. When this father had a son, he became a Little League baseball coach and brought his fount of knowledge, gained from three years of playing rec ball or maybe even riding the bench on the JV team, to bear on his son's baseball "career." His son was a great high school player despite him, earning a partial scholarship to a second rate Division One program. He heard about how girls also get scholarships and now he hopes his daughter will be even more talented than Robbie was.
This sort of coach makes sure to teach the fundamentals of baseball to his girls. He's never heard of Howard Kobata nor the western style of hitting. He teaches his young female charges to keep their back elbows up when they hit and to take a strong step towards the pitcher as she releases. What is this slap stuff his leadoff hitter is using? She is athletic, she ought to be able to get on base without that nonsense. He only lets a few of the girls bunt because most of them just don't know how to do it. He wants his girls up there swinging hard at anything close. On defense, he teaches the third baseman to play even with the bag. He makes sure the second baseman covers second on steals with righty batters up. He tells the first baseman to play close to the bag to guard the line and be able to cover the bag quickly on grounders. He has tried unsuccessfully to get his pitchers to cover first on grounders to his first baseman's right. He doesn't know why they can't get over in time. He implores his pitchers to "just throw strikes" and sits the hard throwing windmiller because she has control issues. He knows baseball and will teach his girls to be as good as the boys. Need I say more?
Then there's the kind of coach who is just "there for the kids." He or she volunteers because coaches are needed. He's never seen a quality fastpitch game and has no idea how softball is played. He doesn't correct very much about his kids' play but we need this sort of coach or rec ball would die and nobody would ever have the chance to see if they liked this sport. Unfortunately these sorts of coaches often do not teach fundamentals of the game. And when their assigned assistant coaches show up with some softball knowledge, they often respond, "I just want the girls to have fun." They don;t take advice from anyone because they don't know the game or whether the advice is any good, and they don't have the patience or desire to learn.
Finally there is the kind of coach who knows the game pretty well. Maybe he or she is a relative expert. She goes to watch high quality games at the college, high school, or upper age groups of tournament ball levels. She takes note of strategies employed and thinks about how to use them. She attends seminars every couple of years on her own dime to learn from the masters of the game. She is open to suggestions from other similarly situated coaches.
Let The Coach Be The CoachAll this having been said, even the decisions of a very good coach can be flawed. As hard as it is to believe, even Mike Candrea, coach of Team USA, can make a mistake every now and again. A coach might try overly aggressive strategies or maybe want to play safe when you, the parent, think he should be more aggressive. I've sat on the sidelines as a third base coach has run us out of a potentially big middle inning when we were down by 8 runs. I've seen coaches play station to station on the bases during one run games against questionable defensive teams. I've seen coaches tell their batters to stand deep in the box against a riseball pitcher in the hopes of getting balls called since, they imagine, it is very difficult to bring the riseball under the shoulders of the hitter deep in the box. They think the ump will call borderline pitches balls. No, it didn't work. I disagreed with these coaches' approaches but they weren't my calls to make.
If you are the parent who disagrees with the coach's approach, keep in mind that a ship can only have one rudder. A team can only have one manager. You have to ask yourself if, on balance, you generally agree with this manager's approach the majority of the time. If you do, keep your mouth shut about strategy, where the coach has positioned your kid in the field, and what he or she might have asked your kid to do at the plate. If you don't generally agree, it is time to think about what your next step is going to be. It is not time to tell your kid where and how to play during games. Even long after the games, try talking to your kid rather than simply telling her what she ought to do. That means a two-way conversation.
I once got a little upset because I thought my daughter, the third baseman, was playing too close to the line. I thought she was getting in the way of throws by the catcher to third on steals. I suggested she play another step off the line to clear the throwing lane. She said, "but Dad, that's where coach wants me to play. He said so." End of conversation. If that's where her coach wants her to play, so be it. It's not my call. If I generally agree with my daughter's coach, I have to step back and allow him to coach my kid. I didn't volunteer for his position. He's the captain of that ship. But what if I don't agree with him almost every time? What do I do then?
I could have numerous private conversations with my kid instructing her on where and how to play. I could walk up to the dugout every time she is on double deck and talk to her. I might say, "I don't care what you coach tells you. I want you up there swinging. If you take a strike, I'm going to dock your allowance this week." Wouldn't that be just dandy? I could teach my kid that coaches don't know anything. Listen to Dad. Dad is always gonna be there for you, darling daughter. I'll tell you where to play and what to do.
There is another option available to me, I could volunteer to be a coach. I could take all the heat I'm now giving to my daughter's coach by telling my kid to do things contrary to what he tells her. I could deal with 12 or 13 sets of parents instead of one coach. I could take responsibility for managing the "softball careers" of 13 or 14 young all-star ladies whose parents are counting on them gaining full college scholarships. I would make sure my kid hits fourth and gets plenty of pitching opportunities. Then again, I could just be a good, fair, decent coach who knows the game, is humble about learning new tricks, and who teaches the kids good strategies.
Another option instead of either teaching my kid to be insubordinate or taking over coaching responsibilities, is to find an acceptable coach and learn to keep my mouth shut, especially during games. You know, as much as we put our kids into youth sports as an educational thing, we have to remember that whether we played in the big leagues or not, we are also learning from the experience. We teach our kids many important lessons by having them involved in sports but we also must be humble and take a "learning all the time" attitude. Learning how to find a good coach and how to keep one's thoughts to oneself, is an important aspect of being a good sports parent. As parents, when we contradict coaches repeatedly, we miss the opportunity to teach the most important lessons of team sports. We teach our kids to become Prima Donnas. Prima Donnas get their reputations very quickly. Most coaches won't touch them because they are poison. You can't get your darling daughter that college scholarship if she doesn't play on a team.
I don't know if you realize this or not but in this blog when I criticize parents and coaches, most of the time I'm talking to myself. All I really have to offer is lessons I have learned or am in the process of learning. Much of what I say has to do with observations of others and myself. If you take umbrage at any of these comments, how do you think I feel? After I write these things, I go sit in the corner and sulk. I wonder why I was so mean to myself! So, here is the lesson of the day, "Keep your fatherly or motherly advice to yourself. Sit down and shut up!" If you must open your mouth, here are some words you can use:
- "Shake it off girls, get the next one"
- "That's ok, we'll score next inning"
- "Nice try, ladies"
- "Good game, you really played hard"
- "Tough break girls, you were in this one right to the end"
- and my personal favorite, "Is that what coach told you to do? Good, then that's what you're supposed to do."
Bye!
Permanent Link: Fatherly (or Motherly) Advice
 
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